A Guide To Making Women Angry
by singingrain
Summary: Is Jiraiya losing his touch with the ladies? Craziness is sure to follow as he sets out to get it back. OneShot.


**A/N: Just a playful little one-shot of ****Jiraiya**** being ****Jiraiya**

**Disclaimer: I don't own ****Naruto****. Or ****Jiraiya****, but I wish I did.**

XxXxXxXxXxX

It all started with Deidara.

_That man needs a sex change,_ Jiraiya thought as he was washing his hands for the fourth time.

Jiraiya had seen a beautiful lady walking down the street, and like any other healthy man, had grabbed her ass. He was getting a good feel until "she" turned around, yelling in a man's voice asking what the hell was he doing. As the realization of what he done struck him, Jiraiya ran with the speed rivaling a cheetah as he booked it to the bathroom. Faced with two doors he chose the one to the left and entered. He was greeted by high-pitched screams, and before the girls left, they got in a couple of good punches.

As he stared at his highly mistreated face, he washed his hands in the now completely empty bathroom. _I must be losing my special touch, _he thought worriedly. _I must be losing my touch with the ladies! _So alas, faced with this, he decided he just needed to get back in the game and refresh his talent with practice. So Jiraiya set out to the streets to find his new victim. The first woman he happened to come upon was Anko, and as he strolled up he decided to try a pick-up line. Anko had a look on her face that seemed to scream 'Oh god, help me,' as she saw him coming, but it seemed like he didn't notice and he continued toward her. As he closed in on her, he put on his sexiest voice and said,

"Baby, did you just fart? 'Cause you blow me away."

He ended with an eyebrow raised in a suggestive manner. Anko just stared and blinked, unable to believe what had just come out of his mouth. Jiraiya, thinking she hadn't heard, started repeating.

"I said, baby, did yo-" Jiraiya was cut off by a fist connecting with his face.

"In the history of pick-up lines, and let me tell you, I've heard some awful ones before, that has to be the absolute worst," Anko told the man on the ground holding his face. Through his already swelling fat lip he managed to get out,

"Obviously you haven't heard the booger one. It goes, 'Honey, if you were a booger I'd pick you first.'"

Anko stared at him incredulously before throwing her hands in the air and turning around to leave. Jiraiya watched her go in silence, wondering what on earth had happened to him, for him to lose his touch that badly.

The next day Jiraiya walked out of his house with a determined look and an icepack. _Just in case,_ he thought, patting the pocket it was in. Today was his day. He could feel it. He set off down the street with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. He was further delighted when he found a gorgeous woman he knew well coming toward him.

It was Tsunade. She came up to him with a worried look on her face. "I have a favor to ask you," she said. Jiraiya looked slightly surprised but extremely happy. "Not that kind of favor," She growled at him and gave him a death glare to rival Sasuke's.

Apparently she wanted him to deliver a letter, he soon found out. He agreed, and she thanked him. She moved in to give him a slight peck on the check in gratitude. He was a perfect gentleman, and was prepared to kiss her on the cheek back, in a very French-inspired goodbye, until at the last millisecond turned his head slightly so her lips landed directly on his in an impromptu and unwanted kiss.

She jumped back, slapping him in the process. She sighed and walked away, all too familiar with his antics. _He's going to get himself killed one of these days, _she thought to herself. _And I may just help the woman that does it._ She walked away with a malicious smile dancing on her lips.

Jiraiya put a hand up to his stinging face and concluded,_ I think I may be getting the hang of things again._ A malicious smile to match Tsunade's played on his face as he pondered over the subject. _But just to make sure… I'll do one more test._

He brought out his icepack, grateful he had had the insight to think ahead. He placed it gingerly on his cheek and considered his situation. He only had a slight injury; he could continue. With his new found conviction he went into town and made his way along the road. He sat down on a bench, peering out into the crowd on the streets, looking for his next object of torture. It took a while, but he finally spotted her.

She was a woman he had never seen before, and she looked quite younger than him. And she just happened to have a rather large backside. As she started to pass the bench he was on, he leapt up and introduced himself. He pretended that she looked familiar to him, saying he must have seen her someplace before. She was nice about it, telling him kindly it must have been someone else. She started to move away, so Jiraiya had to think fast. He looked her up and down, searching for something to give him a hint about her name. He saw a nametag from her job in her bag that was slightly sticking out. Her name was Elle.

As he began into his story, Jiraiya thanked his hair for being white and helping him look older.

"It is you, Elle! You've grown so much! Last time I saw you, you were this high," he said, motioning a height to about his waist. She looked confused, and just stared at him.

"Awww… look at you! You're so cute," he began, talking to her in a baby voice. "Aww, you're just so sweet! Look at those adorable little cheeks!" he continued in the baby voice, making pinching motions toward her face.

She backed away and put her arms up, waving them around. He persisted though, and she finally dropped her arms to the old man treating her like a child. Jiraiya smiled wide and brought his pincher-like fingers to her cheeks.

Just not the ones on her face.

Jiraiya had wrapped his arms around to her back and was in the process of pinching her ass. He saw the surprised look on her face, but only for a short while until it was replaced by a grin. _I'm definitely back in business,_ he thought. Only this thought didn't last for long, as he felt something pinching his backside.

He jumped back, letting out a small yelp, and looked at her in absolute horror and disbelief with his eyes wide open and his jaw hanging down. And then he bolted, running crazily with his arms flailing wildly until he was back in the safety of his own home.

The woman stood there watching Jiraiya run off like a madman. There was a little poof and a bit of smoke as the woman transformed back into her real self.

Tsunade laughed to herself quietly as she made her way into a nearby store.

XxXxXxXxXxX

**A/N: I wasn't going to make the last girl ****Tsunade****, but it just seemed so perfect! Poor ****Jiraiya****…he's so cute!**

**Oh, and by the way, I did not come up with these ideas; all of these strategies to approaching women have been tried out and have failed just as badly on my sister. ****Poor girl.**

Updated: 5/9/07


End file.
